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Jayne Freeman

Boundaries: When Relatives Push to Visit New Baby

August 8, 2020/in header, Latest News, Mamarama, News, Trending Now /by Jayne Freeman

Once upon a time, when there was no pandemic, freshly-minted grandparents who patiently waited to meet the family’s new baby got plenty of satisfaction. They came to the hospital, visited the home, and often set up camp in a spare bedroom or nearby hotel for a few weeks to help out. Those days are gone—at least for the moment. Of course babies are still being born every day and relatives are still anxious to see them. But states have issued different guidelines about infants’ susceptibility to Covid-19, so there’s no one authoritative source on the matter; and even when families members do agree on which expert to listen to, their interpretations of those opinions vary. So, the only thing that is clear is this: Bickering about who gets to see the new baby and under what conditions is now extremely common and intense.

Before the pandemic some pediatricians in the area advised parents not to go anywhere with their newborns until they had received their two-month vaccinations. Mothers fretted over a trip to the grocery store with their babies or stopping to get coffee while strolling them around the neighborhood. They understood that a neonate (zero to four weeks) lacks immune maturity even if breastfed, so any errant germ passed by a random stranger at Starbucks could lead to illness, fever, even a hospital visit where a spinal tap is routinely administered to rule out bacterial meningitis. Though this is quite uncommon, it doesn’t matter to a new mom if the odds are very low: She is blind to the probability and swayed by the possibility. What she hears and how she behaves is driven by a fierce need to protect.

In my prenatal classes I tell parents that the prevailing instinct most parents feel is protection more than love. Biologically we are wired to protect. For this reason, new moms are extra cautious about everything concerning their babies’ health. They are nervous about feeding, sleeping, diaper rash, swaddling, wobbly necks, pacifiers, the cranial soft spot, SIDS, choking, spit-up, and getting sick. It has never been unusual for new parents to restrict visitors or have specific rules about who gets to hold the baby and for how long; but recently parents have also started asking their own parents not to kiss their newborns. This no kissing rule is fairly new and comes from recent studies that show that the herpes simplex virus, which can be dangerous to newborns, exists in a large part of the population. Yet another thing to fret over.

Take all of these concerns and magnify them by a thousand: The result is a level of fear that is both unprecedented and debilitating for many new parents. One might think that friends and family members would respect and understand this, but the opposite is often the case.

“My mother made many passive aggressive statements about her experience being robbed from her,” says Kendra, a first-time mom. But grandparents aren’t alone in their loss. New mothers’ experiences are being hijacked, too: They can’t see friends and family easily, and they might not be able to have that baby nurse or lactation consultant they were counting on. Their entire postpartum experiences are not what they expected.

Still, some relatives are throwing caution to the wind.

“Basically, my dad is just overwhelmed with longing to see his grandchild and keeps wanting to visit, not understanding that he needs to do some very stringent isolation or a Covid test to make sure he isn’t bringing asymptomatic Covid into our house. He pocket-dialed me from the DMV, which is not where he should be just days away from visiting us. This is obviously very concerning,” says Sarah, a local mom.

Trying to negotiate these different interpretations of safety is near impossible to do politely. Relatives may have a much more relaxed view than you do and misinterpret that as a rejection.

“I don’t know how to get him to understand that he simply will not be able to see her as much as he would like. It’s not me trying to keep him from her,” continues Sarah. “On the contrary, I would much prefer that he were able to visit, so I could share her with him and have some more free time. That goes for all visitors! It is really sad that I can’t share our kiddo with all of my friends, take her for swimming lessons, music class, etc.”

And it’s not just the different generations that are fighting each another. Spouses and partners are spatting within households, too.

Tensions can become heated between the new father and mother if one sides with his or her relatives. “My husband told me that he had had enough of being strict and that our family should be able to see the baby. We set boundaries and told our family members that they could see the baby, but they would need to sit outside, keep six feet away, and wear masks. After hearing our boundaries, the family members refused to visit altogether. They did not want to be told what to do,” explains Molly, another new mom. “At this point my husband had reached his limit and told me that I now have to let our family members hold the baby. We have been strict long enough, and he thinks we need to loosen up. I tried to explain that I am not willing to put our baby at risk. This started causing daily fights between us.”

If your partner feels you are being overprotective, sometimes hearing an official position from a family doctor can help. But not always. “Our pediatrician and our primary care doctor advised us that if we chose to let anyone hold our baby, that person should wear a mask,” adds Molly. “I thought that would settle the disagreement, but my husband felt we can make our own decisions however we want. He did not feel comfortable asking his family members to wear a mask. His family members feel that because they had Covid-19 already, they cannot get it again, and they cannot transmit it to anyone else.”

This is when families get into an emotional tug of war over the baby. No one can agree, doctors’ opinions are ignored, and relatives understandably feel unwelcome. At the root of all of this is the nervous mother.

In “Ordinary Insanity” author Sarah Menkedick explores the many layers of maternal anxiety today, citing studies about risk and probability. If a risk carries some emotional resonance, it is likely to stir up stronger feelings, causing people to become “probability blind.”

Psychology professor and renowned risk researcher Paul Slovic assesses risk with an 18-point ranking system. The points include how unfamiliar a risk is, how catastrophic it can be, even how much media attention it receives. The pandemic involves virtually every one of these factors triggering a new mother’s protective impulses, yet this response is not often experienced by immediate family.  Vishwa, a new mom observes, “It’s been very bizarre to see how many people make your kid about them. I’m suffering through very bad postpartum anxiety, and everyone is too uncomfortable to talk about that. Yet they want to see my baby on their terms.”

Therein lies the root of the problem. New mothers should get to set the parameters about visitation and touching during the pandemic because pressuring them to relinquish this control could be traumatic. Ideally their partners will support them. As Menkedick eloquently states: “Becoming a mother is an experience charged with uncertainty and a terrifying lack of control. In this emotionally saturated context, in a risk society that is safer than ever and tormented by the possibility of a rare catastrophe, mothers are bound to drown in risk.”

 

Names have been changed to protect parents’ privacy.

For more Mamarama articles in the Jersey City Times, click here.

Sally Deering

Pistons Forward Louis King Pays it Forward

July 3, 2020/in header, Latest News, News, Sports /by Sally Deering

Detroit Pistons Forward Louis King paid it forward Tuesday, June 30, when he stopped by Jersey City to bring meals to local residents, sign Spalding basketballs, and connect with old friends.

Joined by his mother, Altivea, his father, Louis (a retired firefighter), and his brothers and sisters,  King provided about 350 meals to local residents affected by the coronavirus pandemic. He gave away souvenirs like book bags, “King Kares” T-shirts, and bracelets, and he autographed black and gold basketballs, presenting them to the first 50 children attending the event.

“I did this because I felt during this time that people were suffering in a dark place,” King said. “I wanted to help them up in the best way, in an ordinary fashion.”

In recognition of King’s generosity to Jersey City, New Jersey Assemblywoman Angela V. McKnight and Jersey City Council President Joyce E. Watterman presented the celebrity with a proclamation thanking him and recognizing his community service.

“It’s always a good thing to be appreciated whether it’s a medical or racial crisis,” Council President Watterman said. “It’s truly amazing when someone decides to still come and give back to the community, which Mr. King has done.”

“I didn’t expect the award,” King said. “That was great of them to hand me that for giving back to my community. It motivates me to want to do better. It’s about more than basketball. It’s about helping the people coming up.”

The second to youngest of eight, King spent his early childhood on Woodlawn Avenue in Jersey City. When he was 11, he and his family moved to Columbus, in the southern part of the state. King returned to Jersey City to attend Hudson Catholic High School where he was chosen for the 2018 McDonald’s All-American basketball team. A year earlier, he’d represented the U.S. at the 2017 FIBA U19 World Cup in Cairo, Egypt where he helped bring home the bronze medal.

“Growing up, I played a lot of sports—baseball, basketball and football,” King recalled. “Once I got to seventh and eighth grade, I could say I was more serious.”

King enrolled at the University of Oregon where he was named to the Pac-12 All-Freshman Team, and in 2018, King ranked among the top 25 prospects of the recruiting class by ESPN, Rivals, and 247Sports.

He recounted, “After my first year of college basketball, I went pro, on a two-way contract where I have the opportunity to play with an NBA team and a junior team, where guys go down and show off their skills.”

Growing up, King says he looked up to players like Tracy McGrady, a seven-time NBA All-Star  who played with the Detroit Pistons from 2010-2011 and wrapped up his career in 2013 with the San Antonio Spurs.

“I looked up to Tracy McGrady on and off the court. By the way he carried himself, he always approached the game with seriousness, always wanted to be a better player. That’s mainly what this game is all about. Being humble and taking advantage when opportunities call.”

Eager to get back to the game since the Covid-19 epidemic shut down the league, King says the Pistons are rebooting.

“They shut down the league because they didn’t want other players getting sick. Now we’re going to have the NBA restart. My team didn’t make the cut, so we’re going back to Detroit and working out, getting better, and staying in the gym.”

King, 21, said he enjoyed seeing friends and family and meeting new people at Tuesday’s event.

“It was great for the community, my family, and my team. There’s always been a connection—and there always will be a connection with Jersey City. Jersey City is a part of me.”

Editor’s note: Mr. King’s “King Kares” charitable efforts are not to be confused with the King Kares foundation of Los Angeles Chargers defensive back Desmond King.

For more on local youth activities during the pandemic, see this Jersey City Times story.

Ron Leir

Coronavirus Exposes Jersey City’s Unsung Heroes

May 27, 2020/in header, In Our Midst, Latest News, News /by Ron Leir

There are many unsung heroes on the front lines battling the Covid-19 pandemic in Jersey City and the rest of Hudson County. Much has been written about the emergency medical technicians and paramedics who together with doctors, nurses and healthcare staffers have been risking their lives on a daily basis to battle the coronavirus. But there’s another line of defense laboring mostly in civilian garb out of the limelight, providing equally valuable public service as paid staff and volunteers.

Hundreds of these valiant men and women are part of the Hudson County Community Networking Association. Like all CNAs, the Hudson County CNA connects local community leaders and social service professionals so they can share — and thereby leverage — ideas, information and resources to produce a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.

Before the coronavirus pandemic, Hudson County CNA team leaders met monthly; now all that’s changed.

“Since Covid-19, the networking association has streamed three meetings on Facebook for members to share up-to-date information,” said Steve Campos, a leader of the association. (Campos’ day job is community resource director for Hudson Partnership Care Management Organization, which provides care for children in Hudson County who face mental health challenges.) “Day-to-day, the networking association also communicates via a private Google group. There, all types of social service and community assistance are provided.”

Jersey City Together is one such service provider. A virtual trove of unsung heroes. Led by teacher-turned-organizer Frank McMillan, JCT is a coalition primarily of interfaith religious institutions throughout the city that tackles issues involving affordable housing, public education, public safety and criminal justice — with a united voice.

“We are listening to points of pain from our communities of faith,” McMillan said. “We try to help them in responding to crises.”

In response to Covid-19, faith leaders from Jersey City Together have written to local apartment building landlords urging them to comply with Gov. Phil Murphy’s executive order on rent forgiveness (under which renters can ask landlords to apply their security deposits toward rent that they are behind on or that they foresee having  difficulty paying in the future.)

Jersey City Together members have also been advocating for added health protections for inmates and corrections officers in the state’s jails and prisons, in particular for coronavirus testing.

Lenny Martinez and Frank Gilmore are two other arrows in Campos’s quiver. Both men help kids deemed “at risk” and their family members deal with the stress of home life during the pandemic.

Lenny Martinez is a resource development specialist with the state’s Children’s Protective Services. He talks directly to caseworkers and to staff within the juvenile justice system to help youths negotiate disruptive family situations or the maze of available support programs;

Frank “Educational” Gilmore, photo by Aaron Morrill

Frank Gilmore is a city recreation aide and coach by day. By night (and weekends), he runs the Educational Gilmore Community Learning Center in Greenville, where he helps steer kids away from drugs and alcohol and where kids can go for tutoring or to just relax. Gilmore founded the center in 2018 after his own remarkable comeback from a life of crime on the streets.

There’s more.

HOPES Community Action Partnership is full of unsung heroes. Founded in the mid 1960s as the Hoboken Organization against Poverty and Economic Stress, HOPES CAP runs a plethora of anti-poverty programs for area residents. Since the state’s stay-at-home directive was issued in March, it has focused on education, health, and hunger, according to Evelyn Mercado, HOPES CAP director of community programs. For instance, staff helps ensure youngsters in low-income households get plugged into online classes so they can keep up with their schoolwork; they have provided isolated senior citizens with access to an assortment of online enrichment programs, buoying their spirits and helping them feel less lonely. (The group has identified close to 200 elderly clients in Hudson County including 40 in Jersey City who do not own computers.)

HOPES CAP also managed to rustle up masks and gloves for its more vulnerable clients and deliver food to coronavirus sufferers unable to leave their homes. Two clients in particular, a breast cancer survivor and her husband come to Mercado’s mind. The convalescing woman was dependent on her husband, but he had been deemed an “essential worker” and therefore was unavailable to care of her during the day. The two were struggling to cope — but thanks to a cash donation made by a retired city employee, HOPES CAP was able to arrange for weekly grocery deliveries to the couple.

“I end up crying three times every day,” Mercado said. “I’m constantly worried about our clients.

Since April 2019, Jersey City Assemblywoman Angela McKnight, with help from her husband Anthony, has operated a food pantry in Greenville, part of AngelaCares, the nonprofit organization McKnight founded in 2011 to provide an array of social services to senior citizens.

Recently, the pantry served approximately 150 residents in one week, up from 80 to 100 per week before the pandemic began. Volunteers staff the pantry at 696 Ocean Ave., off Carteret Avenue, on Fridays. Each senior typically gets a packet of canned goods, produce, rice, macaroni, spaghetti and an array of non-perishables.

“We start at 2 p.m. and stay open until the food runs out,” McKnight said. “Over the past month, the need has increased since families are spending more time at home.”

Also keeping McKnight busy during April was a month-long emergency fundraiser sponsored by Angela Cares, which netted  $50,000 for the pantry. That bought groceries and personal protective equipment (such as masks) to about 2,500 senior citizens, McKnight added.

Hector Vargas offering a meal he’d made to homeless individual, courtesy Hector Vargas’s Facebook page

But another unheralded Greenville resident who perhaps epitomizes heroism is Hector Vargas, a Marine Corps veteran who, until the health crisis, had been working as a census-taker while searching for more permanent employment.

As the pandemic lingered Vargas made it his personal mission to befriend and feed the homeless and other folks in need. He’d prepare several meals at home, pack them in plastic bags and balance them from the handlebars of his bicycle, then  pedal up and down the city’s north-south routes as far south as Bayonne and as far north as Union City giving the meals out. At times, friends chipped in cash to help pay for the food.

“I saw a lot of people in wheelchairs living on the street,” Vargas said.

Councilman-at-large Daniel Rivera, who has worked alongside Vargas distributing food to the homeless in Journal Square and in city-sponsored cleanup projects, said: “Hector was one of the few people out here extending himself from the beginning of the Covid-19 crisis.”

“He’s a two-time Afghani-Iraq veteran who has dedicated himself to his community,’’ said Rivera, also a military service veteran.

It appears that Vargas has alienated some of his neighbors who contributed to his efforts.  In text messages to JCT, some questioned his sincerity and temperament.

Councilman Rivera, however, chalks it up to style.  “He can be rough around the edges and very outspoken but his heart is genuine.”

Unfortunately, Vargas himself now faces a setback. His bike, a gray and black 15-gear Schwinn 27.5, was stolen April 28 —  and he’d had it only three months. “I was helping a woman carry some boxes into the West Side post office, and when I came out, my bike was gone,” he recounted.

Now might be the time for our readers to come to Vargas’ aid.

For more on Covid-19-related volunteer opportunities, check out Volunteer Jersey City,  Jersey Cares, and NJ.gov.

For more information on the impact of the coronavirus on Jersey City, please see Jersey City Times’ news section.

 

Header: Hector Vargas, photo by Aaron Morrill

This article was updated on May 27, 2020

News Briefs

Mayor Fulop and Via,  announced the expansion to weekend service of Via’s on-demand publicly subsidized transit system.

A GoFundMe page has been created here for Christian Parra, age 34, of Jersey City, who was shot on Sunday night in BJ’s parking lot on Marin Boulevard and Second Street. He left a wife and three children. Anyone with information is asked to contact the Office of the Hudson County Prosecutor at 201-915-1345 or to leave an anonymous tip here. 

Jesus Gonzalez, 30, died in a car crash on Saturday night when the car in which he was a passenger hit the attenuator-protected guard rail on Christopher Columbus Drive near Merseles Street. The driver, also 30, was listed in critical condition at Jersey City Medical Center.

The Jersey City Education Association has started a GoFundMe campaign to support the family of 11-year-old Desire Reid and eight-month old Kenyon Robinson who died in a house fire on Martin Luther King Drive on Wednesday night. Here is the link.

Vaccine-eligible individuals can make an appointment online by visiting hudsoncovidvax.org.

The 2021 tree planting applications are available. If you have an empty tree pit on your block or a street you can fill out the form and the city’s arborists will handle it.  bit.ly/adoptatreespri…

Keep abreast of Jersey City Covid-19 statistics here.

Governor Murphy has launched a “Covid Transparency Website” where New Jerseyans can track state expenditures related to Covid.  Go here.

For info on vaccinations, call Vaccination Call Center and our operators will assist you with scheduling one: 855-568-0545

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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