The Place for Jersey City News

Posts

Jayne Freeman
Jayne Freeman

The Conflicting Emotions Evoked by Mother’s Day

/in , , , , /by

Not one to typically honor traditions, I have often been heard saying that the concept of Mother’s Day was invented by Hitler, therefore I would not be participating in this celebration.

I was citing a bit of misinformation, though I wasn’t entirely wrong about the misuse of a day devoted to motherhood. But Hitler’s message was more about encouraging German women to have bigger families as the Third Reich needed a growing population to reign over the rest of the world. Women could be awarded the “Mother’s Cross” for bearing four or more babies — and this award was delivered on Hitler’s mom’s birthday in August, as grotesque as that sounds.

Our Mother’s day, which takes place on the second Sunday of May, was invented by American Anna Jarvis in 1907.

Misperception aside, the idea of Mother’s Day can bring up all sorts of uncomfortable emotions for people. It could be the loss of your mother or that you’re not a mother and had hoped to be; it could also be that you have had a difficult relationship with your mother.

Jersey City resident Hannah, who lost her own mom at a young age, feels this type of ambivalence toward the holiday. “I wish my mom could be here to enjoy her only grandchild; while I somewhat reluctantly celebrate myself, I also mourn my loss, ” she said. She feels the holiday is bittersweet.

But this complexity is not what you see reflected in the overly cheery ads for jewelry and the click-bait articles about the “Top 10 Mother’s Day Gifts that companies bombard Americans with every year. Nor do people like to talk about their mixed feelings toward Mother’s Day unless you prod them a bit.

“Frankly, I find this holiday very difficult,” one mom confessed. “I don’t have a mother anymore, meanwhile I’m trying my hardest to become the kind of mom I wished I had had. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by that task, so a superficial holiday like this makes me feel bereft for several reasons.”

By all means there are women who genuinely like Hallmark’s money maker in May. “I like to celebrate myself,” said Kira. “I’m doing a ridiculously demanding job — from growing two humans inside of me to wiping butts all day long. Bring on the roses, the spa day, and the diamond bracelet! I’ll take every ounce of commercialism.”

And there are women for whom the holiday serves as a useful bridge. “When I became a mother,” said Alicia, “It made me feel overwhelmingly empathetic to my own mother. Where we had friction and conflict, I suddenly felt how much pain that must have caused her. I suppose that becoming a mother gave me this window into my mother’s world that I hadn’t understood before.”

After I got through my “this is all Hitler’s fault” stage about Mother’s Day I matured enough to go through the motions for my own mom. A card, a call, a potted lily plant were all nice — and I could do that without feeling like I was compromising my untraditional bona fides — but when I became a mom, the first thing I did was adjust my attitude toward the day. I was happy enough to have it but didn’t want anything more from it than a day off. Life with two small children felt relentless and similar to what I imagined being a dairy farmer was like. You couldn’t just take the weekends off and sleep late. The cows required attention every morning at the same ungodly hour. If I wasn’t waking early to get to work, I was waking early to start my day with a two- and four-year-old.

Some moms I knew thought of Mother’s Day as a time to spend with their children, and what … revel in the splendor of parenting them just like every other day? For me a day off from the rigors of childrearing sounded great because I rarely got that.

Turns out that Mother’s Day inventor Jarvis, also hated the pressures and commercialization that became associated with her idea. Jarvis intended to create a day to honor mothers because she believed your mother is “the person who has done more for you than anyone in the world.” Soon though she saw companies exploit the concept for profit.

Jarvis organized boycotts of Mother’s Day suggesting people write letters to their mothers expressing love and gratitude rather than buy them flowers and candy. One such protest at a candy makers’ convention in the 1920s even led to her being arrested for “disturbing the peace.”

Perhaps if the cultural pressure wasn’t so intense and ubiquitous around this time people would treat this Sunday like any other day — sort of like Valentine’s Day when you don’t have a partner. But something about Mother’s Day cuts a little deeper because we all have or had a mom, and the myriad ways we relate to her run the spectrum from reverent to dysfunctional.

Whatever your relationship to your own mom, observe this holiday the way Anna Jarvis would: devoid of commercialism and forced celebration. Make a card, take a walk, or if it’s something you’d rather not think about at all, stay at home and binge Netflix — where you are definitely won’t come across brunch revelers anxiously waiting for the best table.

Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints
Jayne Freeman

Polygamy in the City

/in , , , , /by

This past year I became fascinated by a small offshoot of Mormons known as Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints, or FLDS for short. I watched documentaries, interviews about them on Oprah, old news reports, and several first-hand memoirs on the group.

So, when I was riding my bike at dusk along the Liberty State Park boardwalk, I came to a screeching halt when I saw what appeared to be a group of FLDS girls. Clustered around a tripod, balancing a long-lensed digital camera were four young women with distinct puffy-sleeved dresses and poofy hairdos.

My first thought was, “You shouldn’t talk to them! They are taught to fear outsiders and think we’re evil.” Still, I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out, “Are you ladies FLDS?”

They burst out laughing in unison, startled by this frizzy-haired lady regarding them as though they were celebrities. “Not only are you the only person who has talked to us on our entire road trip,” one girl laughed.“ But, you came right out and asked us if we were FLDS, and we are!”

I was stunned. I never imagined that in Jersey City I’d run into anyone from this sect because I thought they rarely travel outside the western states they call home.

“Welcome,” I said. “Are you visiting Jersey City all the way from Utah?” I was trying to show my familiarity with their regular stomping grounds.

Indeed, they were on a road trip from Utah, and they stood tentatively on the pathway in Liberty State Park, trying to make sense of the cityscape before them. They said they weren’t able to venture into Manhattan due to time constraints.

“Is that an important building?” one girl asked.

“Well, Goldman Sachs might say so, but it’s mostly noteworthy because it’s one of our tallest skyscrapers here on the Jersey side.”

“So, is that the Empire State Building?” another one asked as she pointed to an anonymous high-rise on the New York side.

I remembered from my reading about FLDS that their members might be sheltered in terms of their education, sometimes even getting revisionist history lessons. So, I plunged right into a little lesson on the World Trade Center, 9/11, and the Freedom Tower and then pointed out the actual Empire State Building. They listened attentively as though they were not just tourists but visitors from another world, a place where the historical events I described may have only been partially understood or reduced to folklore.

My head was spinning with questions I wanted to ask, things I was eager to know. But I was caught in a trap of judgment. The books I had read did not shed a positive light on the sect. Indeed, FLDS is the branch of Mormonism that involves polygamy. That is why they separated from the regular Latter Day Saints. Indeed, their main prophet, Warren Jeffs, was currently serving a life sentence for having married and impregnated girls who were barely in their teens and for incest.

In her memoir, Escape, author and former FLDS member Carolyn Jessop wrote about arranged, loveless marriages between young girls and much older men. She described fighting amongst the wives and their abuse toward one another and their children. Jessop detailed the poverty and food shortages she and her children lived with while her husband and his “favorite wife” dined and vacationed extravagantly off the compound. Because FLDS women don’t have the same rights that other American women have, she was unable to simply divorce her husband.

I wondered if these sweet, young women before me might have been subject to arranged marriages too, yet I thought it would be too personal to ask.

In a city where we pride ourselves on diversity and tolerance, could I accept without prejudice these sheltered women before me? What if they had been married off to men old enough to be their grandfathers or faced any of the horrors I had read about? It took a leap of faith to push aside what I believed to be the truth and see these women as they were before me.

I launched into a discussion about Jersey City where they more or less by accident had landed on this warm autumn night. “This is our wonderful park, and you can see, people use it at all times of day. Most of us really like having this sweeping view of New York City,” I enthused. “You have the mountains of Utah; this is our landscape.”

And I gestured dramatically to the twinkling lights behind us. As I was explaining Ellis Island, they suddenly gasped. Inching slowly down the river appeared to be an entire city block.

“It’s a cruise ship,” I explained, realizing that in a landlocked state you would never have the opportunity to see such a sight. It was so majestic, we took a few minutes to take photos and marvel.

Finally, we introduced ourselves. They had wonderful FLDS names like Bobbie and Jessa. They told me they were on a road trip (which I didn’t believe was allowed, but here they were, disproving more assumptions), and then I asked them some specific FLDS questions that weren’t too controversial.

I wanted to know about their enormous families: What is it like to be part of a brood of siblings? Each one of these girls had at least a dozen brothers and sisters. Jessa told me she had 500 cousins and Bobbie said her mother had over 100 grandchildren.

When I asked what it was like to have so many siblings, they became very animated, putting their hands over their hearts. Jessa said, “We miss them so much on this trip, you have no idea.” Rosie added, “I just feel sorry for people who have no siblings at all. It must be so lonely. I can’t describe what it feels like to love so many and to be loved and held by so many.”

I listened, transfixed. I thought of how when a huge family is far outside of one’s own experience, it’s difficult to imagine that having a dozen siblings could be rewarding and wonderful.

Knowing that they are very “baby-centric,” I told them that I work with pregnant women, teaching about birth and helping them with their babies afterward. They told me that as teenagers they get to help out at the compound’s clinic where women go to give birth assisted by midwives.

I marveled at how much support for breastfeeding there must be when you have dozens of women around you who can show you what to do. “But surely there must be a few women who aren’t able to breastfeed, right?” Ella answered me right away, “We have a milk bank at the clinic! There are so many women who produce more milk than they need, so they donate it to the clinic, and that’s what women use if they can’t make enough milk themselves!”

“Well, I’ll be,” I thought. I imagined for a moment what it would be like to volunteer at their clinic.

I remembered that Jessop’s eldest daughter, Betty, returned to the compound when she turned 18 because she truly wanted to be there. She had been driven away in the middle of the night at 13 and yelled at her mother the entire time. “You’re stealing us!” she screamed, furious and indignant.

FLDS children belong to their fathers. Mothers who flee the sect are not allowed to retain access to their children after leaving, and state laws regarding child support and custody do not apply. (Jessop is an  exception. In a contested lawsuit in 2003, she became the first FLDS woman granted full custody of her children.)

FLDS was the life Betty Jessup loved and the only life she had known. She found life on the outside to be horrible, uncomfortable, and vulgar. She had been forced to attend regular public school with kids who swore, disrespected their teachers, and wore clothes that offended her ingrained modesty. Who are we to say she was wrong to go back?

The girls I met that night also seemed like fish out of water on the banks of the Hudson. But were they really? All I could see before me were four exuberant women with faces scrubbed of makeup and cynicism. They regarded me with curiosity but not distrust. I felt almost as though I was the one lacking worldly sophistication and real-life experience.

Eventually we wrapped up our enthusiastic conversation after taking many photos. It was such a pleasure not only to meet these spirited girls but to see them defy so many of the stereotypes I had read about them and accepted. For this mom and doula living in a liberal Jersey City bubble, this chance encounter was a welcome breath of fresh air.

Join the Facebook discussion about this article here.

Haven Respite Center Jersey City
Elizabeth Morrill

Haven Secures Grant to Board Teen Clients Overnight

/in , , /by

Group Also Set to Open Two “Drop-in” Centers in City’s Public Schools

 

Haven Adolescent Community Respite Center, which offers individual and family counseling and other services for teens in conflict with their parents, just received a $600,000 grant from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to fund overnight stays at its three-bedroom home on Roosevelt Avenue. The group also hopes to open two drop-in centers in Jersey City public schools on a pilot basis beginning January.

“These developments represent major milestones for us, and we could not be more thrilled,” said Amy Albert, founder and chair of Haven. We are so grateful to Hudson County for helping fund the purchase of our house to begin with. Without that early support, this new HHS award would not have been possible. Now, we can open the residential portion of the house and provide up to four young people at a time with respite for 21 days … the drop-in centers, which will offer counseling and case management around homelessness and other issues, will let us reach dozens more kids in the city than we otherwise would be able to do.”

Haven, which Albert founded in 2016 with the dream of offering overnight shelter for at-risk kids, has provided counseling and meals to roughly 450 kids and their families in four years. The nonprofit opened its 3,000-square-foot home in 2018. But it has not had the money to staff a residential program until now.

“What is so exciting about the federal grant is that it’s renewable,” said Albert. Should all go well, that means that, for the foreseeable future, Haven could offer room and board to 68 kids per year who might otherwise wind up living on the streets or getting incarcerated.

Albert is equally as excited about the drop-in centers. While funding for the program still needs be authorized by the Board of Education, on Friday, Oct. 1, schools Superintendent Franklin Walker signaled his approval of the $170,000 pilot project. The program would run for six months starting January 2022, with one location in a high school and the other in a middle school. Current Haven social workers and “youth advocates” would staff the centers, and buses would be available after school to take students to Haven itself should they wish to hang out there for several hours or grab a meal.

The Board will render its verdict on the project when it meets on Thursday, Oct. 28.

Those interested in applying to become the project manager at either of Haven’s new initiatives should email Amy Albert at AAlbert@havenrespite.org.

Jayne Freeman

Traumatic Birth: How Can We Protect Ourselves?

/in , , , /by

Warning: This article contains stories about difficult deliveries that some readers might find disturbing. All interviewees’ names have been changed to protect their privacy.

 

When I was in college, I read a short story by John Cheever about a character who was on a business trip. His plane crash-landed in a field. Everyone survived, but it was described as a harrowing, terrifying experience. Because there were no casualties, the crash wasn’t even mentioned on the evening news. The character went home to his family but couldn’t seem to make them understand or even care about what he had just gone through.

I think about this story frequently, especially when we talk about birth, and more specifically when we talk about traumatic birth. There is a tendency for friends and family to say, “You’re fine, and your baby is healthy.” But is the new mom really fine? For women who experience trauma at birth, this is a common and irritating response.  They may try to just “focus on the baby,” as their friends and family suggest, but they can’t shake the feeling that something hasn’t been acknowledged about their birth story. This can lead to postpartum depression and anxiety. Not all emotional pain that lingers after childbirth need stem from dire medical incidents. Birth trauma is in the eye of the beholder.

Take Laura, a Hoboken mom. While she was pregnant, she was ambivalent about her obstetrician. She didn’t like the way he spoke mainly to her husband during their prenatal exams, often chatting about football and sports, which annoyed her. Laura would have preferred the extra chit-chat during their prenatal visits be spent answering her many pregnancy questions. But she let it go, remembering her doctor had come highly recommended.

Later on Laura’s conflicted feelings about her doctor bubbled to the surface. “I did not like the way he spoke to me in labor. He treated my pushing the baby out like it was some endurance sport, like he was a personal trainer at the gym. Because I’m a Pilates instructor, he sort of weaponized that detail to bully me into pushing more effectively. I felt like he was intimidating me into getting my baby out by making me feel like a failure because I wasn’t doing it ‘right’ or ‘good enough’,” she explained.

“When my baby was born, I felt emotionally drained and bruised. I wasn’t even thinking of my baby; instead, I was seething with annoyance about how he spoke to me. He robbed me of the beauty of bringing my baby into the world by forcing me to focus on his intimidation tactics. Every time I thought of my beautiful daughter’s birth, I heard his callous voice berating my efforts.”

Laura cried every time she spoke of her birth. Anxiety bubbled to the surface along with regret and fury. “I just hated him,” she said. “I decided not to go to him for my postpartum follow-up visit, and I wrote him a letter telling him exactly what I thought of my experience.”

Nicole felt similarly disrespected during the pushing stage but ultimately turned her anger toward her partner. “After the birth I was furious with my husband,” she said. “I felt like he should have protected me and told the doctor to stop speaking to me so roughly.” Yet Nicole realized that both she and her husband were taught “follow doctor’s orders,” and that’s what they did.

“It’s weird,” she continues, reflecting on the moment. “He’s not doing surgery in that moment. He’s supposed to guide and coach me through a physiological effort. I’m allowed to criticize his approach while still respecting his medical knowledge. To me, they are two separate things.”

The takeaway? Trust your instincts. Ask your support person ahead of time to speak up on your behalf should you feel disrespected during labor. Choose a practice not only for its reputation, but because it feels right to you. Check your hospital’s c-section rate before you select your provider. Put yourself in the most favorable position long before you go into labor.

Aubrey had a more extreme experience.

“Everything about my first birth was the opposite of what I wanted,” said the mother of three. “I was having twins, which should not have been perceived as such a medical crisis. Every step of the way my doctor and the hospital staff refused to listen to me or respect my wishes. I had one procedure after another, which led to an emergency c-section.”

Though Aubrey’s surgery in itself did not constitute a medical crisis, her lack of agency during delivery left her disillusioned and depressed. “I felt like my body was broken, like I wasn’t allowed to let it do its job.”

In the weeks that followed, several visits to her doctor for an oozing wound yielded no response other than there’s nothing wrong with you.  Eventually Aubrey’s sister flew to Jersey City and brought her and the babies back to their mother’s house in the South. Once there, the family’s doctor treated her for a festering infection that her own doctor’s office had overlooked.

But Aubrey’s story doesn’t end there. At the start of the pandemic she got pregnant again. This time she wanted a less medicalized labor, so she shopped for a midwife who would do a home birth. This approach is not very popular in the U.S.—less than one percent of pregnant women plan to deliver at home. For Aubrey it was impossible because New Jersey prohibits midwives from attending home deliveries following c-sections. It’s considered too risky. But this didn’t stop Aubrey.

“I was having panic attacks at the thought of even visiting a doctor’s office. So, I just decided to have my baby at home, on my own. My husband wasn’t exactly on board with the idea, but I did it. It was incredible and exhilarating. It proved to me that my body was not broken; it worked perfectly fine when given the opportunity to do so.”

Aubrey took a huge risk. While it cannot be condoned medically, her decision illustrates how extreme stress can push a mother to make a radical choice.

Ina May Gaskin, considered to be the “mother of midwifery” observes women experiencing a wide range of emotions during pregnancy and labor. Often, she sees women robbed of self-confidence  particularly during childbirth. In the documentary “A Birth Story” she asks, “If they take it all away from you, how do you get it? Where do you get it?”

While many recent birth traumas reflect over-taxed practitioners experiencing burnout during the pandemic, COVID alone doesn’t explain the phenomenon. The medical profession has needed sensitivity training for a long time. For women to have positive birth experiences, they don’t need deliveries that are pain free. They don’t even need to delivery vaginally. They simply need to be to be listened to, to be validated.  To be respected and supported.

“I’m still angry at my husband,” says Robyn, a local mother of two. “I had my first baby without him because he went out of town too close to my due date. I became suddenly and severely preeclamptic and had to deliver early. Thankfully my mother was able to get there in time.”

After a difficult induction that ended in a c-section, Robyn was haunted by the fact that her doctor’s office had nearly missed her preeclampsia. Her life had hung in the balance.

“After my second birth, the baby had to go to the NICU, and my husband stayed with her the whole time. I’m recovering from yet another c-section and completely unable to move. A social worker at that point decides to grill me on why I’m not bonding and visiting with my newborn. It was so insensitive and clueless. She made me feel worse, not better,” Robyn reports.

It’s not just the women who have a tough time. “I was enduring a very scary emergency c-section, and my husband started to feel faint, so he asked if he could sit down,” explains Sabrina, a first time mom. “He was escorted out of the operating room into recovery, which was a safer place to be. A male nurse sidled over to me, leaned in, and said, ‘I guess there’s more than one baby in the room.’ I’m literally hemorrhaging on the operating table after a long and difficult labor with tons of awful side effects, and this is what he chooses to say at that moment? Everything went wrong during my labor that preceded the c-section. No one would listen to me. If I said I was allergic to a drug, they forgot about that. The epidural didn’t work well, they didn’t believe me. I was shaking, vomiting, my skin was on fire from the Fentanyl that I asked not to get. It was unreal.”

Sabrina is also a cancer survivor. Hospitals and self-advocacy are second nature to her,  yet she found herself constantly deflecting insensitive comments. “Because of my double mastectomy and birthing at a ‘baby-friendly’ hospital, I was dreading being approached about breastfeeding. Of course, a lactation consultant comes in the middle of the night when I’m trying to sleep. She starts talking about something to stimulate my milk supply, and I’m just beyond exasperated at that point. All she could offer to me, a brand-new mom with no ability to breastfeed, was a lack of formula knowledge and a warning that my baby doesn’t become obese from bottle feeding.”

Shafali is a Jersey City mom who started to bleed heavily after delivering. “Upon discharge from the hospital they tell moms to look out for clots that are bigger than a golf ball,” she explains. “But mine were much larger and just kept coming. I was instructed to go to the emergency room, but this was at the beginning of the pandemic so I did not want to bring my baby with me. I had to wait for my mother to arrive to stay with my newborn, so my husband could take me to the hospital.”  Once there, Shafali learned she might have to have a hysterectomy. Fortunately, she didn’t, but due to COVID, she spent the rest of her hospital stay by herself without her husband and newborn. “I had tubes down my throat, no family, no phone, no visitors,” she says, reliving those five days. “I was terrified.”

But Shafali wasn’t alright, it turned out. Shortly after she went home, she started bleeding again. She wound up back in the hospital (via the ER), where doctors told her that, in order to save her life, they might have a hysterectomy after all. Shafali woke up in recovery alone again and learned the surgeon had removed her uterus. How she was spoken to afterward sunk her deeper into despair.

“The doctor who did the surgery made a comment about going through my c-section incision so I’d be ‘back in a bikini in no time’,” she said. “Then the other doctor said something about me never being bothered by periods again. I wanted to burst into tears, but I held back my emotions at that moment. I had no family around to comfort me.”

Could it be Shafali’s doctors were just trying to make her feel better? Of course. But a woman of child-bearing age who has just lost her ability to have more children is not thinking about wearing a bikini on the beach next summer; nor is she comforted by the prospect of losing her “pesky periods.” Hospital staff do their best to accommodate a patient’s feelings, but a typical new mother  is extremely vulnerable, like an exposed nerve. Her normal protective layers have been peeled back and her psyche is laid bare. It is during this raw emotional experience that words and actions leave an indelible imprint.

According to mental health experts, Shafali did not receive “trauma-informed care.” Trauma-informed providers are advised to assume that their patients have experienced some form of trauma in their lives—and that how you speak to them can trigger painful memories. Yet, this standard of care is hard to come by.

That’s getting attention.

Both Beyoncé and Serena Williams had very difficult deliveries. Indeed, Williams nearly died of a complication that might have gone undetected had she not vocally advocated for herself. To help publicize the need for better care from the medical community, Beyonce and Williams went public about them. “It may be time for women to be comfortable with having uncomfortable conversations,” Williams told the press after her recovery. By sharing the darker and often traumatic sides of birth, women can raise awareness and legitimate concern about the issue.

In the end we can’t always prevent birth trauma, but we can certainly take steps to minimize it. While pregnant, learn as much as you can about your provider and the hospital you’re choosing. Seek education, support groups, online forums; hire a birth doula, and consider choosing a midwife or a birthing center. Should you experience a postpartum mood disorder or simply want to share some negative experiences you had, get help. (Local therapy practice MindfulPower regularly holds birth trauma workshops and support groups for women to share and process their stories.)

It comes down to support and knowledge.

“Birthing is like a leap that is not optional,” says Deborah Robbins, a former labor nurse. “The baby has to get born one way or another. So, you line up the people below who will hold the net while you let go. The fall may be scary (or not), but if you trust the folks who are there to catch you, there is an implicit sense of calm, even peace.”

Jayne Freeman is a certified childbirth educator, breastfeeding counselor, and postpartum doula based in Jersey City. Please see her website for providers specializing in birth trauma and perinatal mood disorders.

Jayne Freeman

The Key to a Happier Divorce

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

As a childbirth educator and postpartum doula, I tend to see couples during the most celebratory and joyful time in their lives. It’s a bit of a departure for me to be speaking about the topic of divorce, but in some ways it makes perfect sense. I am divorced, and my personal experience has given me insight and awareness into the topic. Plus, in a general sense, my job is to help people transition into a new life phase. While marriage and birth are experienced as positive milestones in our lives, divorce is an unhappy one for most families. I’m not here to rain on your parade, especially those of you in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. I’m writing for those who are struggling with a separation or divorce and who have children caught in the storm’s wrath.

This is an ode to private mediation, particularly its positive impact on children. Over my ten years of being happily divorced and of counseling families based on my own experience, I have referred at least a dozen couples to private mediation instead of traditional divorce lawyers. (Please note I am distinguishing private mediation, in which both spouses agree upon a particular mediator, from public mediation, in which mediators are appointed by courts.) My snapshot pitch goes something like this:

Private Mediation is…

  • Less expensive
  • Less combative
  • Faster
  • Legally binding
  • Easier on the kids
  • Collaborative

Many couples have taken my advice, recognizing at the very least that mediation is going to be less expensive than hiring an attorney. Yet, still there are some who reject mediation, and I can never understand why. So I asked Dr. Michelle Rozen, a seasoned and respected private mediator in the New York area for her take on the matter.

“I feel like people mistakenly think that if they mediate, they won’t get legal advice,” she said. “I always encourage my clients to consult with an attorney for feedback during the process. But everything we do in mediation is made legally binding by a judge once we’ve come to a resolution.”

And from what I understand, typically judges are the biggest supporters of private mediation.They would much rather wrap up a marital dispute when the couple has come in prepared and already sorted out their agreement in the presence of a mediator.

“Court tears people apart,” adds Andrea Hirshman, a veteran divorce mediator and attorney. “People sometimes resist mediation because they believe they will get their ‘day in court’—in other words some kind of emotional justice,” she said.

However, this is not what happens in court. It’s not a TV show or dramatic film starring Meryl Streep. Litigation is not designed to be story time or for you to achieve emotional satisfaction because “they” will see your side and rule accordingly. Court is the opposite of that: When lawyers start to make a case for their clients, they are making a case against you. Hirshman goes on to say that the process of coming to an agreement is kept “under control” via mediation; there is an attempt to keep it amicable, cordial and collaborative. This is the exact opposite of what you can expect in litigation.

Children are probably the best reason for parents to consider private mediation over lawyers and court. There are typically an array of intense emotions surrounding a divorce. And when anger is combined with parenting, you stand a good chance of letting it bleed into your children’s lives, coloring their sense of self. In the midst of a traditional divorce and custody battle it’s not uncommon for children to require cognitive therapy. They are sometimes depressed, anxious, or angry themselves. That’s understandable because our decisions and behavior will affect our kids. “It’s not separation or divorce that hurt children,” explains Hirshman, “It’s conflict.

Conflict. Given evidence of more amicable outcomes for parents who engage in mediation rather than litigation, it stands to reason that the advantages of mediation extend to the children of divorce, too. They tend to have higher self-esteem, stay focused academically, and learn a valuable life lesson in the process. Few know this as well as social worker Brianna L. Nelson, author of “Divorce Mediation and Its Impact on Children.” Nelson writes:

“When children are involved in divorces, they can be at risk for emotional issues, especially when parents aren’t dealing with their emotions appropriately. The most common and complicated emotion during a divorce is anger in children and adults, which is a common reaction to grief and loss (Emery, 2004; Raisner, 2004). Consequently, if parents are not processing their emotions such as sadness, grief, or anger, it will negatively affect the children by causing more conflict and tension in the transition and children can become confused and upset about the divorce (Emery, 2004).”

Children are hyper-aware of the tensions that ricochet between their parents, even if care is taken not to blatantly argue in their presence. When parents engage in mediation a more “collaborative” structure occurs. Collaboration is what mediators encourage and what propels you toward resolution. Counseling and therapy might be necessary too, just to help you separate with less residual anger, but mediation is the first step toward compromise. And yes, you have to compromise when you co-parent after divorce.

There are going to be birthday parties, graduations, and other milestones ahead of you. There could be adolescent issues to handle or a health crisis. Even a diagnosed learning disability will force you to make decisions together as parents. I have personally witnessed parents at their adult children’s wedding sitting tight lipped and tense at separate tables even when both have new spouses. It’s not healthy for any parents to behave this way, yet old grudges die hard, and typically it’s the kids who carry that weight for years often into their own relationships. How parents handle disagreements in life sets an example for dealing with conflict in any challenging life event. Children watch and learn, and what will we show them — fury and vindictiveness or conflict management and resolution? Let’s face it, most marriages that end do not do so with a friendly handshake and a pat on the back, hey, sorry it didn’t work out, better luck next time.

Divorce is generally a crisis, but it needn’t be traumatic. How it unfolds is entirely in your hands.

Jayne Freeman

Boundaries: When Relatives Push to Visit New Baby

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

Once upon a time, when there was no pandemic, freshly-minted grandparents who patiently waited to meet the family’s new baby got plenty of satisfaction. They came to the hospital, visited the home, and often set up camp in a spare bedroom or nearby hotel for a few weeks to help out. Those days are gone—at least for the moment. Of course babies are still being born every day and relatives are still anxious to see them. But states have issued different guidelines about infants’ susceptibility to Covid-19, so there’s no one authoritative source on the matter; and even when families members do agree on which expert to listen to, their interpretations of those opinions vary. So, the only thing that is clear is this: Bickering about who gets to see the new baby and under what conditions is now extremely common and intense.

Before the pandemic some pediatricians in the area advised parents not to go anywhere with their newborns until they had received their two-month vaccinations. Mothers fretted over a trip to the grocery store with their babies or stopping to get coffee while strolling them around the neighborhood. They understood that a neonate (zero to four weeks) lacks immune maturity even if breastfed, so any errant germ passed by a random stranger at Starbucks could lead to illness, fever, even a hospital visit where a spinal tap is routinely administered to rule out bacterial meningitis. Though this is quite uncommon, it doesn’t matter to a new mom if the odds are very low: She is blind to the probability and swayed by the possibility. What she hears and how she behaves is driven by a fierce need to protect.

In my prenatal classes I tell parents that the prevailing instinct most parents feel is protection more than love. Biologically we are wired to protect. For this reason, new moms are extra cautious about everything concerning their babies’ health. They are nervous about feeding, sleeping, diaper rash, swaddling, wobbly necks, pacifiers, the cranial soft spot, SIDS, choking, spit-up, and getting sick. It has never been unusual for new parents to restrict visitors or have specific rules about who gets to hold the baby and for how long; but recently parents have also started asking their own parents not to kiss their newborns. This no kissing rule is fairly new and comes from recent studies that show that the herpes simplex virus, which can be dangerous to newborns, exists in a large part of the population. Yet another thing to fret over.

Take all of these concerns and magnify them by a thousand: The result is a level of fear that is both unprecedented and debilitating for many new parents. One might think that friends and family members would respect and understand this, but the opposite is often the case.

“My mother made many passive aggressive statements about her experience being robbed from her,” says Kendra, a first-time mom. But grandparents aren’t alone in their loss. New mothers’ experiences are being hijacked, too: They can’t see friends and family easily, and they might not be able to have that baby nurse or lactation consultant they were counting on. Their entire postpartum experiences are not what they expected.

Still, some relatives are throwing caution to the wind.

“Basically, my dad is just overwhelmed with longing to see his grandchild and keeps wanting to visit, not understanding that he needs to do some very stringent isolation or a Covid test to make sure he isn’t bringing asymptomatic Covid into our house. He pocket-dialed me from the DMV, which is not where he should be just days away from visiting us. This is obviously very concerning,” says Sarah, a local mom.

Trying to negotiate these different interpretations of safety is near impossible to do politely. Relatives may have a much more relaxed view than you do and misinterpret that as a rejection.

“I don’t know how to get him to understand that he simply will not be able to see her as much as he would like. It’s not me trying to keep him from her,” continues Sarah. “On the contrary, I would much prefer that he were able to visit, so I could share her with him and have some more free time. That goes for all visitors! It is really sad that I can’t share our kiddo with all of my friends, take her for swimming lessons, music class, etc.”

And it’s not just the different generations that are fighting each another. Spouses and partners are spatting within households, too.

Tensions can become heated between the new father and mother if one sides with his or her relatives. “My husband told me that he had had enough of being strict and that our family should be able to see the baby. We set boundaries and told our family members that they could see the baby, but they would need to sit outside, keep six feet away, and wear masks. After hearing our boundaries, the family members refused to visit altogether. They did not want to be told what to do,” explains Molly, another new mom. “At this point my husband had reached his limit and told me that I now have to let our family members hold the baby. We have been strict long enough, and he thinks we need to loosen up. I tried to explain that I am not willing to put our baby at risk. This started causing daily fights between us.”

If your partner feels you are being overprotective, sometimes hearing an official position from a family doctor can help. But not always. “Our pediatrician and our primary care doctor advised us that if we chose to let anyone hold our baby, that person should wear a mask,” adds Molly. “I thought that would settle the disagreement, but my husband felt we can make our own decisions however we want. He did not feel comfortable asking his family members to wear a mask. His family members feel that because they had Covid-19 already, they cannot get it again, and they cannot transmit it to anyone else.”

This is when families get into an emotional tug of war over the baby. No one can agree, doctors’ opinions are ignored, and relatives understandably feel unwelcome. At the root of all of this is the nervous mother.

In “Ordinary Insanity” author Sarah Menkedick explores the many layers of maternal anxiety today, citing studies about risk and probability. If a risk carries some emotional resonance, it is likely to stir up stronger feelings, causing people to become “probability blind.”

Psychology professor and renowned risk researcher Paul Slovic assesses risk with an 18-point ranking system. The points include how unfamiliar a risk is, how catastrophic it can be, even how much media attention it receives. The pandemic involves virtually every one of these factors triggering a new mother’s protective impulses, yet this response is not often experienced by immediate family.  Vishwa, a new mom observes, “It’s been very bizarre to see how many people make your kid about them. I’m suffering through very bad postpartum anxiety, and everyone is too uncomfortable to talk about that. Yet they want to see my baby on their terms.”

Therein lies the root of the problem. New mothers should get to set the parameters about visitation and touching during the pandemic because pressuring them to relinquish this control could be traumatic. Ideally their partners will support them. As Menkedick eloquently states: “Becoming a mother is an experience charged with uncertainty and a terrifying lack of control. In this emotionally saturated context, in a risk society that is safer than ever and tormented by the possibility of a rare catastrophe, mothers are bound to drown in risk.”

 

Names have been changed to protect parents’ privacy.

For more Mamarama articles in the Jersey City Times, click here.

Jayne Freeman

It’s Time to Stop “Formula Shaming”

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

Sometimes I feel like “formula shaming” is the final frontier of judgment. The same person who would be careful not to “body shame” or “slut shame” her best friend might be the first one to raise an eyebrow at her sister-in-law for not breastfeeding. And that is partly because we are saturated with information about the benefits of breastfeeding and partly because it is perceived as a choice you make mainly for your baby’s sake. Though breastfeeding does have some major health benefits for mothers, the focus is typically on the benefits for the baby. For the mother who cannot or chooses not to breastfeed, her action can be perceived as a reflection of her mothering — and that seems to be fair game for criticism in a way that some other cultural shaming is not.

“Formula shaming is so pervasive, and I found that it started during pregnancy. Every book about childbirth and raising babies talks about how crucial breastfeeding is— about it being required for at least six months. The way it’s treated, like a given fact, is ridiculous,” says Kathryn, a first-time mom who made the decision not to breastfeed before she gave birth.

There are no support groups for formula feeding moms, and even hospitals have educated their staff on breastfeeding to the degree where formula feeding is often treated with a wrinkled nose of disapproval. Kathryn found that her obstetrician was pleasantly supportive of her decision, yet she noticed later the formula samples he gave her had expired. “That’s how little people talk about formula as an option.”

“We learned in class that breastfed babies are smarter than formula fed babies,” recalls Krista, in a new mom’s a support group. Her peers nod in agreement. This kind of unsubstantiated information is still being taught in prenatal classes. In fact, when I received my training for teaching the topic, I could rattle off a list of health concerns that were more likely to occur if you formula-fed your baby: Type I diabetes, childhood obesity, colds and ear infections, allergies, asthma, even leukemia! It did not occur to me back then that by over-praising the wonders of breastmilk, I was vilifying formula to an entire group of impressionable, expectant parents. Later on, I created a presentation that addressed both topics with realistic expectations including benefits and risks, much as one would teach about unmedicated birth and epidurals in the same class.

Thankfully, the super-popular author Emily Oster in her two books drills down into the prevailing evidence about newborns and shows us evidence to the contrary. She has been vocal about how the breastfeeding narrative has inherent language that can alienate and shame new mothers. Recently she Tweeted, “It’s fine to encourage people to breastfeed. But claims like ‘it’s a special bond’ are (1) totally not based in fact and (2) just make people feel bad.” Then she nudged the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Think about your messaging.”

It’s hard to believe that for American women giving birth prior to the 70s, breastfeeding was considered unusual and even “a little disgusting,” according to Wikipedia. In their book, “The One Best Way?” authors Nathoo and Ostry write, “It was something practiced by the uneducated and those of lower classes.” In fifty years the tide has changed completely as breastfeeding benefits for mother and baby have become better understood. The response to this, like many issues with birth and parenting, has often been woefully polarized. Our current culture’s emphasis on breastfeeding has been fueled by the well-intentioned Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative which sounded like a wonderful idea when it was first introduced. This initiative, which was co-sponsored by Unicef and the World Health Organization, was going to be a complete paradigm shift for hospitals. No more pushing formula, no more taking away baby to the nursery at night, nurses and staff would all be well informed on the benefits of breastfeeding and would get mom and baby off to a great start by initiating and supporting breastfeeding exclusively. However, all of this enthusiasm can take an ugly turn when hospital personnel become too strident about protocols.

One mom who gave birth at a very highly rated New Jersey hospital reported that her nurse said, “You’re not planning on feeding your baby that poison, are you?” when she attempted to formula feed. That she was already mourning the ability to breastfeed (due to separate health issues), this comment seared her psyche. Another mom says, “My hospital told me, if I give formula, I’ll ruin everything.” These are not isolated incidents; they happen more often than people would expect. When new moms are feeling vulnerable and insecure shortly after delivery, virtually anything said to them on this topic can be painful. Many hospitals, in an effort to comply with the metric needed to either attain or remain BFHI certified, send new mothers home confused and feeling defeated because their baby is not getting enough milk from the breast. Sometimes the second phase of breastfeeding, when the mature milk comes in, happens later than a baby’s hunger levels can tolerate. I’ve seen many babies come home dehydrated or with borderline high bilirubin levels (infant jaundice). This becomes the pediatrician’s problem to deal with at the baby’s first doctor’s appointment, but it’s a huge stressor for parents, even causing post-traumatic stress disorder in some cases.

“It seemed more important to our hospital that I was breastfeeding and weirdly less concerning that my baby was not doing well,” explains Lauren, a Jersey City mom.

“I wasn’t allowed to use any supplemental formula unless the hospital pediatrician okayed it. Meanwhile, my baby was clearly not getting what he needed from me. Even I could see that! I’m so angry about the way we were treated, specifically regarding breastfeeding, that I will not even go back to that hospital for any reason, let alone give birth there again.”

Incidentally, this mom went on to successfully breastfeed despite offering formula in the first few days as she was sternly cautioned against.

With this kind of militancy toward even temporary use of formula, it’s understandable that women feel conflicted and shamed even by medical personnel.

Though I’ve worked with hundreds of new mothers, I can count on one hand those who formula fed with defiance and pride. “This is what works for me and my mental health. If you’re going to challenge that, you have a serious problem,” one mom explained in an online support group, condemning the judgment she felt from her peers. Another mom expressed it this way:

“I find it ironic that the battle cry among modern women, ‘your body, your choice,’ seems to completely fall by the wayside when it comes to breastfeeding. Suddenly what I chose to do with MY body is a point of inquiry, judgment, and speculation by everyone.”

Sometimes that judgment is unspoken, yet clearly perceived; you may feel inclined to explain yourself even though the other person didn’t say anything overtly negative.

“I felt a wave of guilt wash across me whenever someone assumed that I was breastfeeding, and I chose to correct them. I’m mostly okay with my decision until someone implies that what I’m doing is second best or not natural,” relates Briana, a first-time mom.

“My reasons for formula feeding should be private, but everyone feels you somehow owe them an explanation as to why you’re not on the ‘breast is best’ bandwagon,” adds another mom from the Facebook support group “Fed is Best.”

The pressure can come at you from all sides: family, friends, doctors, hospital staff. Even your partner may pressure you to continue breastfeeding when it’s evident you are overwhelmed.

“I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was doing something that had been oversold to me, something that was both more difficult and less important than all the books and websites and articles suggested. They had undervalued my time and my sanity,” writes Meaghan O’Connell in “And Now We Have Everything.”

When I read this passage, I felt like she had summed up everything we need to address in one fell swoop, especially the part about her sanity. Women who struggle with the rigors of breastfeeding and the exhausting chore of around-the-clock pumping can spiral into a postpartum mood disorder in no time. Breastfeeding should never be prioritized over a mother’s mental health, yet it is often difficult to explain that to someone in the throes of new motherhood. A new mom needs support both learning how to breastfeed and letting go of the endeavor if it isn’t working. In order to do that, she has to feel positive about formula feeding instead of reluctant or embarrassed.

“I finally feel like I can enjoy my baby and my maternity leave. Before I was consumed by pumping and bleeding nipples,” admits one local mom. “Stopping pumping and my agonizing attempts at breastfeeding was the best decision I ever made. I can’t believe I tortured myself for so long.”

No one wants the words “torture” and “new motherhood” to be used in the same sentence.

In order to relieve some of this guilt, our attitudes about mothers’ choices need to be adjusted. More realistic expectations around breastfeeding from educators and birth workers would be a start, neither inflating the benefits nor disparaging formula. How about embracing all modes of feeding?  Pumping, formula feeding, combination feeding. No more sideways glances or unsolicited lectures on how superior breastfeeding is. Perhaps just not pushing any of our personal experiences or criticism toward any woman who might be formula feeding after any number of experiences you are not privy to: an exhausting mental battle, a traumatic birth, a mastectomy, a lengthy stay in the neonatal intensive care unit, a thyroid condition, a breast reduction, or simply because she wanted to, without any excuse at all?

For more Mamarama articles, click here.

Jayne and daughters
Jayne Freeman

New Moms: Top Ten Things I Wish I’d Known

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

In honor of Mother’s Day, I asked local moms what they wish they could have told themselves as new moms with the luxury of experience, confidence and wisdom behind them. As a postpartum doula, I bear witness every day to the transformation motherhood brings to women. Sometimes the first few months feel like a painful bootcamp peppered with sleep deprivation, spit-up stains and body parts you barely recognize. Then slowly you emerge from the fog and begin to fit into the over-sized role of “Mom” that originally seemed too roomy and alien. Like a stretchy dress, gradually the identity forms to your updated definition of self: It might not be the exact color you asked for, but it’s a style that suddenly suits you.

Here are some meaningful observations local moms told me they wished they had known:

1) Formula feeding guilt will pass

“For weeks after deciding to be a formula-only family, tears would spring to my eyes whenever I saw breastfeeding ads in my Instagram feed or breastfeeding supplies at the store — when I had to check ‘formula’ on all of the doctors’ forms and was asked by acquaintances whether or not I was breastfeeding.”

So many moms feel this weight of guilt for not doing what they were told “is supposed to come naturally”. It’s very difficult to have clarity when you’re in the midst of this struggle. You may question your mothering abilities and judge your perseverance. Breastfeeding is difficult and can impact your mental health when the challenges start to overshadow the benefits. The same mom quoted above went on to say this:

“Six months later, I don’t even think about it. And some of my mom friends with babies at a similar age say their child isn’t even interested in nursing anymore as solids are taking over their attention span!” What seems catastrophic when your baby is four weeks old will seem less critical with time and perspective.

2) You will hate your husband no matter how hard he tries

I appreciate this mom’s candor. Don’t worry dads, it’s not really your fault — and it’s not forever. It’s just that new moms usually learn the ropes faster than new dads. This often makes them impatient with their partners: They don’t soothe the right way, they don’t burp the right way, they take too long warming a bottle. They don’t seem to even flinch when the baby is screaming on the changing table. Later on, new moms may resent the men in their lives for being able to go back to work. Yes, women yearn for the freedom to walk out of the house showered and fresh to a place where no baby cries and they’re able to eat lunch when they’re hungry, not six hours later. Many moms feel that their day-long, night-long baby tending is a burden their partners can’t fully understand or share. Dads, this exasperation will fix itself over time. But make no mistake: Both partners need to communicate their needs otherwise you’ll be left with a festering wound of resentment.

3) Sex after vaginal delivery might intimidate you

Doctors will often give you the green light to have sex again after your six-week postpartum checkup — sometimes with a prescription for birth control (which can feel like a parking ticket). What they really should tell you is you’re only ready when you feel ready, not because the doctor gave you the green light. It might have been more helpful to explain that lack of sleep, hormonal changes, flattened libido and the constant feeling that someone needs you all the time is the biggest sexual buzzkill ever. Sex, both physically and emotionally, will be a tentative and sometimes disappointing road. But other forms of intimacy will substitute very nicely. In Meaghan O’Connell’s book “And Now We Have Everything,”her husband has an enormous revelation when he discovers that his wife is not rejecting him in the boudoir as he suspected, she’s just suffering from a flaccid sex drive. She gets furious with him for not understanding how losing her libido was like losing an old friend. Yet, that is one of many misunderstandings between new parents that can readily be addressed with simple honesty.

4) Parenting is a lifetime of worry

 “No one prepared me for the fact that I am already worrying about whether my son will be bullied at school or whether he will have friends, whether he will have a partner in life who loves and supports him. No one prepared me for the fact that I have a five-month-old daughter, and I’m already worried about setting good body image expectations for her and making sure she is supported in her dreams. It was a shock to me that you are thinking so far ahead.”

Parenting becomes a lifelong obstacle course of worry: how much you can and cannot control and when you’re going to have to let go and recognize you may not be steering this ship. With each phase the types of concerns change. They become less about the physical (“Is she still breathing?!”) and more about the psychological. This is usually the time when you ask yourself, “Omigod, what did I put my parents through?” because you are starting to understand what it feels like to parent.

5) Mood disorders and identity crises are real

 “While I knew about postpartum depression and anxiety, I never knew how much of an impact was going to come my way. I have the best husband in the world, and it was hard for both of us.”

It’s one thing to hear about it, quite another to experience a postpartum mood disorder. For many moms, it’s a perfect storm of fatigue, rapid changes, parenting challenges and hormonal disruptions. Fortunately, there is plenty of help available. Support can come in many forms and variations. There is help for all levels of mood disorders, from free support groups to psychotherapy to hiring more help at home so you get a break. Both parents should be aware of how common mood disorders are and how to seek out the support they need (see link below for more information).

Identity crisis is something else that rears its head unexpectedly. One mom I spoke to couldn’t understand why having a baby made her feel like she had just broken up with a boyfriend. We discovered that she was actually feeling a loss; she was grieving her former self — the carefree, independent, well-rested self who seemed to have vanished the moment she became a mother.

“I think something else to know is that you aren’t the same person after you have a baby, and that’s also okay. You are a version of yourself, but your world has totally changed, so any notion that you are just going to bounce right back into your former life whether it be with work, friendships, family relationships is kind of absurd. I used to care a lot about offending people and hurting peoples’ feelings or looking needy or like a hypochondriac. Now I am more assertive in my needs.”

6) Doctors aren’t gods

 “This has been a huge wakeup call during my pregnancy and with my baby. I used to think that doctors knew everything and were just to be trusted completely, but now I understand that they are just educated people giving their opinions, and it is okay to do your own research and go with the doctor that you feel most comfortable with. You need to be able to advocate for yourself and your child. It’s like a superpower that comes with being a parent that I don’t think I had before. If something seems wrong, don’t be afraid to go to a specialist; that’s why there are specialists.”

Lesson number one in parenting is trust your instincts. No one knows your baby like you. It may take a little time to gain that confidence, but once you feel it, you’ll have a new understanding of the phrase “mama bear” and be ferociously protective when you need to be.

 7) Breastfeeding is hard work

 “I assumed that someone would come and tell me when to put the baby to my breast and what to do. I knew that it had to be done right after birth, but I was so tired and confused that it slipped from my mind.” Hospitals do their best to help with breastfeeding, but you won’t always get the guidance you need when you need it. For some new moms, this first obstacle can lead to more breastfeeding complications and struggles. “My baby developed jaundice and had to be readmitted to the hospital. We were a mess.”

This mom’s experience is another reminder of how important support can be — whether from a lactation consultant, a doula or even virtually. Generations ago women had the support of their tribe — the elders, the midwives, other lactating mothers. If breast milk didn’t appear, a woman’s baby might be nursed by another mother in her village. Now we have to seek support in the form of hired help, volunteers in our community such as La Leche League, or support groups like the one at CarePoint Health in Hoboken. Most new mothers need assistance with breastfeeding, and culturally we are sorely lacking in that area. Explore all areas of support from doulas to volunteers before you throw in the towel on breastfeeding.

8) Learn to live with less control

 For some women this can be the hardest lesson of all. Personal expectations may be high. You might have sailed your way through an Ivy League school, landed an amazing job, been promoted to a coveted position … but the baby game is on a whole different level. Your perfectionism will give way the minute you realize that babies are unpredictable, individual creatures with their own agendas. There are many books, videos and podcasts devoted to shaping your baby’s world conveniently to yours, by scheduled feeding, iron-clad nap schedules, sleep training and more. This initially appeals to moms who thrive on routines and predictability. Unfortunately, your baby will usually have other plans.

“Almost a year in, and I still struggle with it. For example, my child refuses her oatmeal in the morning, and I am like, ‘Oh, God, now she will never eat oatmeal again, what am I to do?’ Next morning, I have this anxiety about her not eating her oatmeal, and she eats all of it. I still have to keep reminding myself that everything is temporary.”

9) Cherish the newborn moments

 “While I was in it, I just kept wishing for an older baby, one that would be easier to manage and provide me with more sleep. What I learned is that those other stages aren’t necessarily easier, just different, especially now that I have a full-blown toddler. Enjoy this little bundle that will just sleep on you for hours and is satisfied with only being fed until they drift into slumber again.”

There will always be those people who say “enjoy it while it lasts” as they gaze longingly at your two-month-old. You know for a fact they have clearly forgotten what sleep deprivation feels like or stepping barefoot into cat puke because you’re so bleary eyed. Someday you’ll look back fondly on the newborn period, but while you’re in it, it does feel like the longest time ever. Exhaustion will make new parenting feel like a twenty-four-hour commitment — because it is.

10) Babies can be so much fun

“I didn’t realize that truly bonding with a baby can take some time — for both parents. You may feel protectiveness, but the actual tethering bond that makes you fall in love with your baby and be unable to imagine your world without her took a while when I expected it was instantaneous.”

This makes perfect sense. After all, how often do people fall in love at first sight? Not often! So, it stands to reason that parental love can sometimes be a slow boil.

“Nowadays, we laugh so much more than we used to before we our baby was a crying newborn. I still wish we had more sleep, but that’s a story for another day.”

 

Postpartum mood disorders see: https://mamarama.tv/local-resources

Breastfeeding support:  https://lllofjerseycityhoboken.org/

Local support groups & classes:  https://www.jcbumpandbaby.com/

 

Header:  Photo by Katie Welles

 

Jayne Freeman

Pregnancy and Parenting in the Time of COVID

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

“In motherhood, love can manifest most powerfully as fear.”  This quote is from the new book by Sarah Menkedick, with the timely title “Ordinary Insanity.” One might argue that our current situation is one of madness framing our mundane daily activities. Pregnant women and new families are living through an extraordinary historic moment doing the most ordinary things: carrying, birthing and parenting children. Yet there is nothing normal about our lives right now. This is a time of chronic concern for all humans on the planet, but for parents, especially new families who haven’t yet acquired their self-confidence as parents, it can be a recipe for anxiety.

In the past two weeks, New York area hospitals banned pregnant women’s spouses (and other romantic partners) and their midwives from assisting with births. Understandably those near their due dates panicked and scrambled to switch hospitals or flee the area; some even considered birthing at home. Then, just as abruptly, the hospitals reversed course and announced that one support person could be present at delivery. But the damage had already been done. Pregnant women now fret: “Will my hospital rules change again? Is the hospital even safe? Will I be discharged before I’m ready? What if my labor nurse is infected?”

In addition, all the fun things pregnant women expect to enjoy—a “babymoon,” yoga and childbirth classes, baby showers—have been put on hold or rearranged to comply with our solitary confinement.

This is not to say that COVID-19 has been all bad for new parents. Spending time indoors with no distractions and partners home for a potentially much longer paternity leave constitutes the perfect postpartum bubble.

But those bubbles burst with age.

“I feel like right now I’m a terrible mother and a terrible employee,” one mom confessed in a virtual support group. She’s not alone. All parents working from home are feeling divided by their pressing work and childcare obligations. Maybe in the past you spent a few days working from home when your sick child couldn’t go to daycare, but this is different. With daycares closed and babysitting help too risky, there is no reprieve; the weeks are grimly stretching out before us.

In a recent session of a support group for moms with toddlers, parents shared tips on how to create a makeshift playpen while on a conference call. “The one benefit is all of us are in the same boat—my boss, my colleagues, our CEO. It’s a great leveler.” One popular approach is for one to parent to work while the other watches the baby or children—but if you’re a single parent, this is obviously impossible. So, some single parents are leaving their homes and hunkering down with their own parents.

“I don’t know what I would have done without my mom,” says Alison, a single mother of twins. “It’s just too much for one person to juggle. We’re not supposed to work and take care of babies at the same time, but I have no choice!”  This combination of work and childcare is fueling unprecedented stress levels.

I spoke with Mollie Busino, director and psychotherapist at Mindful Power, a counseling practice in Hoboken. Many therapists have begun treating their patients in a virtual format like Zoom or Skype, and that has made counseling much more accessible. “This is a time of worry, and families need to protect themselves, especially in situations where anxiety is likely to escalate. I’m recommending that parents limit their time on social media, watching the news, and listening to a friend or relative who is consumed with panic about the Coronavirus,” Busino said.

Likewise, birth-workers, yoga instructors and other educators are creating virtual support groups to help new moms navigate this situation.

Still, parents are losing their ability to cope.  “If one more person says ‘this is the new normal’ I’m going to lose it!” says Lauren, a mother of two under age four. “I’m trying to work, my husband is trying to work, my four-year-old has no preschool to go to, and my baby is oblivious to the lack of adult attention right now.”

In Jersey City, parents are accustomed to utilizing our beautiful parks, playgrounds, interactive music and yoga classes; we have it all here, but much of that is on hold for the moment. In a recent new moms support group, I spoke to a mother of a newly toddling one-year-old, and she sounded heartbroken. “This is the time I should be watching my daughter run around, play on the swings, see her cherished friends—and we’re stuck inside with too much screen time and no fresh air.” When I suggested she go to a less-populated park (like Liberty State Park), she shrugged off the suggestion. “I think that’s worse,” she said. “Then I worry that the air we breathe, the things we touch, the person who walked—they’re all threats.”

So what to do?

Don’t let your anxiety spiral into depression. If the strain of this quarantine is starting to overwhelm you, take measures to protect yourself in the same way you would against the Coronavirus: Look for virtual new moms’ groups, seek online counseling, consider taking medication (which you may need only temporarily). Every day during this period of isolation feels long and repetitive, prompting lots of “Groundhog Day” memes. But perhaps you can connect virtually face-to-face with relatives and friends, something you might have done via only text or phoning before. Maybe you’d feel better expressing thanks—even for small, seemingly inconsequential things. I thing I can assure of you of is that this will end—and when it does, we are really going to appreciate the little things in life; we are really going to smile at that slice of pizza on the pedestrian plaza.

For help with perinatal mood disorders:

Peggy Kraft, Clinical Social Work/Therapist: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/peggy-kraft-jersey-city-nj/122489

Mollie Busino, Psychotherapist, Mindful Power: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/mollie-busino-hoboken-nj/77480

The Seleni Institute: Perinatal Mental Health: https://www.seleni.org/

The Motherhood Center: https://www.themotherhoodcenter.com/

Partnership for Maternal & Child Health: 973-268-2280 x 154: ygonzalez@partnershipmch.org

 

Header: Distancing in Liberty State Park, photo by Jayne Freeman